The end of an Error

It has been a long 8 years, thank God it is over. Lets hope the next 4 years go better than the last 8 years. I didn’t vote for him and I don’t have much respect of him. I think the damage he has done to this country in the last 8 years will take decades to repair.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge Obama fan. There are some things I like about him and some I don’t. Unlike some people I don’t expect a rainbow to appear from Main to California as soon as Obama takes the oath.

Obama has a long hard road ahead of him with the war and the economic problems America is facing. I think everyone is hoping that Obama can start to turn things around regardless of what party they belong to.

I am hopeful of our new President. I wish him all the best but don’t envy the job he has ahead of him.

 

2008

Good riddance 2008.

 

You ok there Mike?

How does a man go from this

To this

If you saw someone walking around looking like a cross between gay Zorro, a burn victim  and some kind of undead pedophile monster, you’d be freaked. Hell if you ran in to him at night you might need a fresh pair of underoos. What in the hell happen to this man? At any point on the morning this photo was taken did Mike look in the mirror and think to himself, “Damn, I make this look good.”

If he wasn’t Michael Jackson the women in the photo would be horrified to be so close to a freak like that. I wan never a huge fan of his music but he did some stuff I liked.

Darkness Falls Across The Land
The Midnite Hour Is Close At Hand
Creatures Crawl In Search Of Blood
To Terrorize Y’awl’s Neighbourhood
And Whosoever Shall Be Found
Without The Soul For Getting Down
Must Stand And Face The Hounds Of Hell
And Rot Inside A Corpse’s Shell

The Foulest Stench Is In The Air
The Funk Of Forty Thousand Years
And Grizzy Ghouls From Every Tomb
Are Closing In To Seal Your Doom
And Though You Fight To Stay Alive
Your Body Starts To Shiver
For No Mere Mortal Can Resist
The Evil Of The Thriller

 

Good ridence Caribou Barbie

Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na
Hey Hey Hey
Goodbye

 

In honor of the RNC.

Sorry I haven’t been in a more talkative mood lately. I’ll probably just post some videos until I’m out of my funk.

 

The Terror of Tiny Town.

They just don’t make’um like this anymore. What more could you ask for. It’s got midgets, it’s got cowboys, it’s got midget cowboys. How this never won an Oscar is beyond me. With the way Hollywood is falling all over itself remaking movies how can this be overlooked? They should re-shoot Unforgiven shot for shot, but with midgets. Instant classic I tell ya.

 

Dream A Little Dream

I had a dream last week I was having coffee with a giant penguin. He was telling me he was going to move to New York and become a star on Broadway. I pointed out, that even though I had never been to a Broadway show, I was pretty sure none of them had giant penguins in them. He in turn pointed out that that was species profiling on the casting directors part. It was his intention to land the lead role in Jesus Christ Superstar. I’m unclear if he was trying out for the part of Jesus or Judas, but he is a classically trained Shakespearean actor and I have every confidence in his ability to pull the part off.

He went on to tell me that his family had raised some concerns with his plans to head to the Big Apple. It seems some years back his sisters cousins niece, a ravishing little Holstein hottie from Wisconsin had become a thespian much to the family’s dismay. She moved to New York and landed a part in an off Broadway revival of Oh Calcutta. The family was mortified when they learned she was showing her teats twice daily and three times on Saturday to anyone who bought a ticket. As the years went by she had to have silicone udder implants just to keep up with the younger girls coming into the industry. She later left New York for L.A. when she made a killing in the early days of the Internet with her porn on demand site, digitaludder.com. She now lives in Palm Springs with a Latino pool boy 20 years her junior.  To this day she is considered the black sheep of the family, much to the dismay of the actually black sheep of the family.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I didn’t think Jesus Christ Superstar was playing on Broadway anymore. I did encourage him to look into becoming Tom Wopat’s understudy for Chicago and to not let his pride get in the way and to audition for the Lion King.

 

Broken hearted

OK, so this is awkward. I just found out my imaginary Canadian girlfriend is having an affair with my inner child. It’s just wrong on so many levels.  I knew they had been spending a lot to time together but I just never though they would betray me like this.  I should have known something was up when both of them told me they were going out of town at the same time. My girlfriend was going to visit her mom and my inner child was off to his twentieth high school reunion.

I guess I was in denial because I never got an invitation to the reunion. I just figured mine got lost in the mail. He was always much more popular than I was, so there was always the chance they didn’t want me coming anyway.  Then I remembered that my girl was an orphan and when I asked her about it she said I was just being silly.

Well she called me last night, drunk as usually, to say she missed me. She wasn’t alone.  I know it was my inner child’s voice I heard calling for her to come back in the hot tub. She said it was just the TV in the background, but if it was the TV why did she keep saying, “be quite, he can hear you”?

I guess there isn’t anything I can do about my inner child. To be fair, I really can’t blame him I guess. Angelina is a contortionist rhythmic gymnastic ballerina after all. What man can say no to that.  That said, we are so done, as soon as she gets back I’m call I.N.S. on her and getting her ass kicked back to Manitoba.  To hell with her, I say. She can go back to bottling maple syrup for all I care.

Maybe I should look into getting me one of those really hot imaginary Russian women. Or someone from England, I do love the British accent.

 

Jack Nicholson Disease

I’d like to take a moment to talk to you about a very serious subject. Jack Nicholson Disease, or J.N.D. as it is referred to by health officials at the Center for Disease Control. J.N.D. has been on the rise in celebrities over the past several years, many would say at an alarming rate.

J.N.D. is easy to spot; I’m sure you have noticed it in some of your favorite stars and not even realized it. J.N.D. takes its name from the great American actor Jack Nicholson. Sadly, Mr. Nicholson has contracted the worst case of J.N.D. to date. It has greatly affected his craft, as he is no longer able to portray characters in films the way they were intended by the writers. Due to the diabolical nature of this disease, Mr. Nicholson is only able to deliver caricature performances of himself. This isn’t to say that Mr. Nicholson isn’t still a great actor, clearly he is, but the disease has rendered him incapable of playing anyone other than Jack in almost every role.

Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro have also been exhibiting symptoms of J.N.D. Luckily, Mr. Pacino and Mr. DeNiro have a mild form of J.N.D and they can overcome it with good nutrition and meditation. From time to time Mr. Pacino goes all Scent of a Women on us and screams his lines into the camera. Mr. DeNiro manifest his J.N.D. by channeling tough guy Travis Bickle into all of his performances. Other actors exhibiting symptoms of the disease are Robin Williams, Keanu Reeves and Jason Statham.

The most startling case of J.N.D. has been diagnosed in actor Nicolas Cage. Mr. Cage’s case is particularly interesting because he appears to have altered J.N.D with Split Personality Disorder. Top men are studying the Nicolas Cage/Elvis Presley persona, it is feared that some sort of quantum mutation has accrued to the strain.  If medical breakthroughs aren’t made soon, it is feared that Mr. Cage condition will go beyond the bounds of what modern medicine can handle. Worst-case scenario, Mr. Cage with have to be put down.

There is good news. Jack Nicholson Disease to date is only communicable among actors and not the general public. There is no cure for Jack Nicholson Disease, like herpes, it’s all about suppression.

 

Buddha on the road.

I think I might be in trouble. I ran into Buddha in the street in front of my apartment. Long story short, I killed him. That’s what you are susposed to do because the true Buddha lies within, right? Here is when it gets dicey. I checked his wallet and it turns out it wasn’t Buddha, it was just some fat bald guy named Larry who bore a striking resemblance to Buddha. Seriously, this guy could be Buddha’s brother, or at the vary least, a cousin.

If you ask me, I hardly think this is my fault. Larry shouldn’t have been walking around all Buddha like. Would it have killed him to wear a name tag that said Hello, my name is Larry? OK, maybe a poor choice of words, but you get my point. Lucky no one saw what I did, so I rolled him into the duck pond and went and got a jelly donut. If anyone asks, mum’s the word.