I’d like to take a moment to talk to you about a very serious subject. Jack Nicholson Disease, or J.N.D. as it is referred to by health officials at the Center for Disease Control. J.N.D. has been on the rise in celebrities over the past several years, many would say at an alarming rate.

J.N.D. is easy to spot; I’m sure you have noticed it in some of your favorite stars and not even realized it. J.N.D. takes its name from the great American actor Jack Nicholson. Sadly, Mr. Nicholson has contracted the worst case of J.N.D. to date. It has greatly affected his craft, as he is no longer able to portray characters in films the way they were intended by the writers. Due to the diabolical nature of this disease, Mr. Nicholson is only able to deliver caricature performances of himself. This isn’t to say that Mr. Nicholson isn’t still a great actor, clearly he is, but the disease has rendered him incapable of playing anyone other than Jack in almost every role.

Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro have also been exhibiting symptoms of J.N.D. Luckily, Mr. Pacino and Mr. DeNiro have a mild form of J.N.D and they can overcome it with good nutrition and meditation. From time to time Mr. Pacino goes all Scent of a Women on us and screams his lines into the camera. Mr. DeNiro manifest his J.N.D. by channeling tough guy Travis Bickle into all of his performances. Other actors exhibiting symptoms of the disease are Robin Williams, Keanu Reeves and Jason Statham.

The most startling case of J.N.D. has been diagnosed in actor Nicolas Cage. Mr. Cage’s case is particularly interesting because he appears to have altered J.N.D with Split Personality Disorder. Top men are studying the Nicolas Cage/Elvis Presley persona, it is feared that some sort of quantum mutation has accrued to the strain.  If medical breakthroughs aren’t made soon, it is feared that Mr. Cage condition will go beyond the bounds of what modern medicine can handle. Worst-case scenario, Mr. Cage with have to be put down.

There is good news. Jack Nicholson Disease to date is only communicable among actors and not the general public. There is no cure for Jack Nicholson Disease, like herpes, it’s all about suppression.