Jack Nicholson Disease

I’d like to take a moment to talk to you about a very serious subject. Jack Nicholson Disease, or J.N.D. as it is referred to by health officials at the Center for Disease Control. J.N.D. has been on the rise in celebrities over the past several years, many would say at an alarming rate.

J.N.D. is easy to spot; I’m sure you have noticed it in some of your favorite stars and not even realized it. J.N.D. takes its name from the great American actor Jack Nicholson. Sadly, Mr. Nicholson has contracted the worst case of J.N.D. to date. It has greatly affected his craft, as he is no longer able to portray characters in films the way they were intended by the writers. Due to the diabolical nature of this disease, Mr. Nicholson is only able to deliver caricature performances of himself. This isn’t to say that Mr. Nicholson isn’t still a great actor, clearly he is, but the disease has rendered him incapable of playing anyone other than Jack in almost every role.

Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro have also been exhibiting symptoms of J.N.D. Luckily, Mr. Pacino and Mr. DeNiro have a mild form of J.N.D and they can overcome it with good nutrition and meditation. From time to time Mr. Pacino goes all Scent of a Women on us and screams his lines into the camera. Mr. DeNiro manifest his J.N.D. by channeling tough guy Travis Bickle into all of his performances. Other actors exhibiting symptoms of the disease are Robin Williams, Keanu Reeves and Jason Statham.

The most startling case of J.N.D. has been diagnosed in actor Nicolas Cage. Mr. Cage’s case is particularly interesting because he appears to have altered J.N.D with Split Personality Disorder. Top men are studying the Nicolas Cage/Elvis Presley persona, it is feared that some sort of quantum mutation has accrued to the strain.  If medical breakthroughs aren’t made soon, it is feared that Mr. Cage condition will go beyond the bounds of what modern medicine can handle. Worst-case scenario, Mr. Cage with have to be put down.

There is good news. Jack Nicholson Disease to date is only communicable among actors and not the general public. There is no cure for Jack Nicholson Disease, like herpes, it’s all about suppression.

 

Buddha on the road.

I think I might be in trouble. I ran into Buddha in the street in front of my apartment. Long story short, I killed him. That’s what you are susposed to do because the true Buddha lies within, right? Here is when it gets dicey. I checked his wallet and it turns out it wasn’t Buddha, it was just some fat bald guy named Larry who bore a striking resemblance to Buddha. Seriously, this guy could be Buddha’s brother, or at the vary least, a cousin.

If you ask me, I hardly think this is my fault. Larry shouldn’t have been walking around all Buddha like. Would it have killed him to wear a name tag that said Hello, my name is Larry? OK, maybe a poor choice of words, but you get my point. Lucky no one saw what I did, so I rolled him into the duck pond and went and got a jelly donut. If anyone asks, mum’s the word.

 

Headaches

I have had a headache on and off for about a week and a half.  It comes and goes but I’d say I have spent about half the time I’ve been awake this week with it. I’ve been eating Ibuprofen like M&M’s. If this is allergies, it’s the worst case of them I’ve ever had.  I’ve come to two conclusions about this. First, I have a tumor. There is something in my head not right. Some people will say I’m not right in the head anyway and there is some truth to that line of thought, but I’m pretty sure my oddball take on life isn’t the problem. Which leads me to my second thought on why I’m having these headaches and the one I’m keeping my fingers crossed for. I am becoming psychic. My powers are finally beginning to manifest and the headaches are just growing pains. I tested my powers out this morning but it didn’t work, the girl behind the counter didn’t show me her boobs.  I guess my powers are still to weak, because all she did was give me a dirty look for staring at her chest.

Whatever it is, be it a tumor, allergies or psychic manifestation, I really wish it would stop because it is really starting to piss me off.

 

Questions

If you’re like many people on this crazy little planet we call home, you have questions that you just can’t seem to find answers to.  Well friends, today’s your lucky day because I have answers.  They may not be the right answers or even the ones you want to hear but I am here to help.

Want to know where babies come from?

Need to know why guys look at your boobs when they talk to you?

Wonder why the homeless guy on the corner seems so much happier than you?

I can help, so ask away.

 

Procrastination: my friend, my lover.

I signed up for this a few days ago and still haven’t looked around much. I’m not even sure how to change me page theme. I probably should read the FAQ on how to do things, but it’s a lot of words so I’ll do it later.

If you leave me a comment and I don’t get around to getting it up right away, it’s nothing personal. I tend to get distracted easily and them forget what I was doing.  Rest assured, you imaginary people out there on the inter-webs are important to me. I will get to you sooner or later.

One last thing, I can’t recommend taking procrastination as a lover. Sure it sounds good at first with all the promises of kinky sex, anything you want it will tell you, but it never delivers. It’s always not right now, maybe tomorrow, what about next weekend.  In many was procrastination has a lot in common with several former lovers. Funny how we always seem to fall for the same thing over and over again isn’t it?

 

With great sadness…

Due to the tragic event that occurred during my world wind tour of Amish country, I regret to inform my fan that my one-man band, Bamboo Squirrel, has broken up.

After the death of our drummer in an unfortunate cheese pressing accident, the band can no longer function as a cohesive unit. Years of infighting between our lead singer and guitarist, not to mention the escalating drug use of our tambourine player have simply become too much.

Our final album, I found Jesus at the Home Depot, and so can You!, will still be released on 8-track and wax cylinder as planned.

Bamboo Squirrel would like to extend out most sincere apologies to the Yoder family for the emotional scarring of their nine children who witnessed the horrific event and for the the loss of seventeen pounds of Munster cheese.